Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Miracle in Me & My Greatest Gift
When I noticed a bump, I suspected, but I said to myself 'too soon.' At that point, I would have only been within my first week. As the weeks progressed, and the tell-tale symptoms along with time, there was no more denying. I finally confirmed my pregnancy nearly four weeks later. When the pain in my lower back and abdomen began and then persisted, along with the growth of my belly, I knew something wasn't quite right. I had been feeling this way for a couple of weeks. Upon the reassurance of women who've had children before: 'You're fine', 'I experienced the same thing with my first.' 'That's normal.' and so on, I tried to let their words ease my fears, but in my heart, I knew differently.
After an agonizing 3 weeks of self imposed bed rest, my appointment with the Ob/GYN finally arrived. After the needles, exam and two types of ultrasound, my fears were confirmed. The size of my abdomen and pain were indeed an indicator of a problem. No poetic way to articulate this: I have a fibroids. Such is the case, my pregnancy is high risk. But my hopes remain higher than any risk could be.
Today, I will venture out in the blizzard of '10 to my first appointment with the high risk Ob/GYN at Brigham & Women's hospital, where they specialize in such pregnancies.
Now upon my 10th (or so) week, I've decided I will allow myself to relish the glory of this tiny being becoming inside of my body, come what may. Something I, hitherto, was reluctant to do. Daph and I are overjoyed! We're becoming parents. WE'RE HAVING A BABY! I never thought I would be able to say those words, but it's true. I'm not dreaming.
I couldn't have imagined the fearlessness and unconstraint with which you could love another human being until the moment I learned that human being was beginning inside my own being. What an incredible thing!
Update: Earlier today I trenched through the 17 inches of snow and made it to my ultrasound appointment in tact. After a more in depth ultrasound I learned I have "innumerable fibroids" and an ovarian cyst. I'm the kind of person who thrives on information, no matter how bad or difficult it is to hear and deal with. So, aside from the natural fears and concerns, I also feel empowered. The baby's heart is beating at 171 beats per minute, and she/he is active. The baby seems as determined as I am to pull through okay.
My Dearest Baby,
I will fight for you, with you, to keep you growing and strong in only the way a mother could. There is nothing stronger than the will of a mother for her child. 32 years ago on the day you are due to be born, I was born. This confirms everything I believed that, despite it all, ultimately only the best things were meant for my life. And equally, only the best things will be dreamed for yours.
I love You,